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TEN BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES of
MARRIAGE
This article will deal with the reasons our marriages work and sometimes
do not work.
We'll have a
frank and honest discussion about marriage from a Biblical standpoint. You might want to forgive me now for what I am about to write. It may address
issues in your own marriage relationship. My hope is that this article will
stimulate discussion with your spouse and be an encouragement to you.
Think back for a moment and consider the training and teaching you received in
preparation for marriage. If you were like most, you will agree that there was
no formal training. That is, you didn't go to college or a technical school to
be trained and certified as a husband or wife. There is no diploma or
certification that qualified us to be married. However, of all the choices we
make in our life time, the selection of our spouse and decisions we make on how
to be a husband or wife, are the most profound and have the most far-reaching
implications. Children (other people) will come from those decisions and the
process continues from generation to generation. In fact, we exist today because
of decisions made by our parents. This brings me to my initial point about the
subject of marriage. Our parents have had a profound impact on us with regard to
marriage. It was our parents that served as our primary teachers in preparing us
for marriage. Just like any training course, the quality of that training has a
direct impact on the success or failure of the endeavor.
But our parents are not the only resource to prepare us for marriage. The Bible
has a lot to say about marriage. In fact, the very institution of marriage
originates from the Bible. Our parents and basic Biblical instruction about
marriage are our primary sources of reference for marriage. But have you
considered the teaching we have concerning marriage given in the Bible? Let me
explain a bit more. Since our parents are our primary examples, have you
considered what our parents in the Bible teach us about marriage? Which parents
am I referring to? Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, and Jacob and his
wives, Leah and Rachel, have a lot to teach us about marriage!
TEN BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE
How we approach marriage, more importantly, how we fulfill it, is
extremely important to our own welfare and homes. It will either yield great joy
and fulfillment or heartache and disappointment. The Biblical principles we will
review are general in statement.
Depending on one's station in life, there can be exceptions. Some people
remain single and never marry. Therefore, these Biblical principles serve as a
base definition for the subject of marriage.
PRINCIPLE #
1.
Man needs a Wife.
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him an help meet for him. –
Genesis 2: 18
It has clearly been proven that men live longer and are healthier as a result of
marriage. Companionship is a key component to marriage. To have the same
companion from youth to old age is true friendship and love. The word
“helper” is really “help meet.” A “help meet” is much more than a
mere helper. “Help meet” means companion; it means she is there until the
job is finished. Help meet also has a strong spiritual tone. A wife
helps
the man to meet
the
הוֹוָה.
In Bereishis (Genesis)
2:20, the Torah teaches that there was a search to find a helpmate for Adam.
First יְהוֹוָה said (2:18): "It is not good for
man to be alone; I shall make for him a congruent helpmate." We then find an
unsuccessful search amongst all of the creatures that יְהוֹוָה
had created, until the Scripture concludes: "there
was not found an help meet for him"/ "there
was not found a helper for him, as his counterpart. "/"And for the
man he did not find a congruent
helpmate. "
Why did the Creator have אדם
aw-dawm' Adam search to find a wife? Why does Mishlei (Proverbs) here
communicate that it is difficult to "find"
a virtuous wife?
It would appear
that אדם aw-dawm' Adam was being prepared for a
אשּׁה ish-shaw' wife. The Creator employed a
process of having Adam
go
in
a quest through the creatures that had been created to
indicate the need for an appropriate mate. If חוּה
chavvâh Eve had been offered as a אשּׁה
ish-shaw' wife without sufficient introduction, Adam may have considered her an
encumbrance or a rival. Every benefit is always appreciated more fully if it
arrives after its need is felt.This may
be a reason why יְהוֹוָה seems to
withhold from some people their finding of the “right one” for a long time. They
should contemplate the need for a אשּׁה
ish-shaw' wife and sincerely request יְהוֹוָה’s
assistance in their quest.
As Mishlei (Proverbs) 18:22 sums up this
matter: “He who finds a wife finds good, and he obtains favor from יְהוֹוָה!”
Her Value Is Far Greater than Rubies [Pearls, jewels] now
makes the connection to the first part of the
verse obvious. After a search, one realizes that a wife is far more valuable
than all of the possible wealth in the world.
Generally there is a tendency to misjudge the
value of the marriage relationship. One may feel if he had made enough money, he
could buy most of the services that would be needed and manage without marriage.
But יְהוֹוָה knows better. “It
is not good for man to be alone!” A wife is the “good” helpmate,
that is the greatest earthly find he will ever discover. Let him make the best
of it and utilize the opportunity fully by appreciating
הוֹוָה’s gift to him in fulfillment of the
verse: ‘Rejoice with the wife of your youth” Mishlei (Proverbs)5:18. If you have
the right attitude and you work on understanding and appreciating יְהוֹוָה’s
ways, you will have cause to rejoice endlessly. However, one who rejects a pious
and wise woman fails the test and loses the greatest wealth.
This verse obligates us to continuously pray to
יְהוֹוָה for assistance in “finding.”
Tehillim (Psalms) 32:6 teaches: "For this shall every one that is godly pray
unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found/
Let every pious person pray to You at a time of
finding.” The Gemara (from Aramaic גמרא gamar; literally,
"[to] study" or "learning by tradition")(Berachos/brachot [blessings]
8a) explains: “At the time of finding a wife.” Thus, we must pray first to find
the right partner and then continue to pray all of our lives that we should
appreciate the incredible find that יְהוֹוָה
has provided for us.
Second, the Sages would ask one, soon after they were
married, whether they had “found” a wife or whether they were “finding” a wife.
This is explained as referring to either of these verses:
“One who found a wife has found goodness” -
Mishlei (Proverbs)18:22
“I find more bitter than death a woman” - Koheles (Ecclesiastes)7:26
This is puzzling. What is the purpose of the
question? The difference lies in the tense of the word “found” or “finding.” The
verse in Mishlei (Proverbs) is worded in the past tense, whereas the verse in
Koheles (Ecclesiastes) is worded in the present tense.
This teaches us that our happiness is in our hands! If we decide to appreciate
the great find that יְהוֹוָה has bestowed on
us, we are fortunate. However, one who is still seeking for another will find
trouble. We must open our eyes and rejoice in what we have been given!
10: Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above
rubies.
11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
-- Mishlei (Proverbs) 31
Consider this for moment, how frequently do you see real rubies, diamonds,
emeralds or pearls. The Bible says that an excellent wife is more rare than
jewels. Husbands may not be experts about precious gems, but they can discern a
wife more rare than jewels. He knows what trusting in her means and how he will
be safe with her the rest of his life. He knows that her great value is not
about gain or investment. He knows that she is priceless and can never be
replaced.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE #
2.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, initiated by the exchange of vows.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife:
and they shall be one flesh. --
Genesis 2: 24
Marriage is not a partnership or a contract; it is considerably more than that.
Marriage is a covenant. Partnerships and contracts are agreements of
“consideration given for consideration received.” These kinds of agreements
are formed by requests and promises. One party requests something and offers
something in exchange. The other party trades one item of value for another item
of value. A covenant is not made primarily to gain value nor to exchange one
thing for another. It is not maintained by both parties meeting their
obligations; it is a reality of giving ones self regardless of the return value.
A covenant is of undetermined length. It is forever or until it can no longer be
done, “Until death do us part.” This covenant causes names to change. This
covenant changes the place called “home.” A marriage covenant establishes a
preference in relationship greater than parent and child. A marriage covenant
creates a new reality that the whole of creation accepts, including the Creator.
This is why a divorce is more than breaking a contract. A divorce rips
the very fabric of the soul when the marriage covenant is broken. A broken vow,
an oath that is breached, or a pledge not fulfilled is an internal dilemma
reaching deep into the person that no soothing balm can reach.
A broken contract can be solved by paying for the damages, but the damage
of a broken covenant continues long after.
Some men and women never quite leave their father and mother when they get
married. Consequently, they have not chosen their spouse above all others. In
truth of fact, they never made the proper marriage covenant from the beginning
and results become inevitable. Many pre-marriage counselors will recommend that
a new couple live separately and away from both sets of parents to guarantee
that the proper bond (cleaving) is established in the marriage.
Becoming “one flesh” is the consummation of the verbal vows, but it is not a
replacement for them. Becoming “one flesh” before the vows of marriage is
fornication and distorts the entire pattern and purpose of intimacy in the
marriage.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 3.
The Husband is the head of the house and responsible for the marriage.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow
and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire
shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
-- Genesis 3: 16
This verse is probably hated by more women than any other verse in the Bible.
The spirit of rebellion will not sit idly by in the heart of a woman when she
hears the words, “he shall rule over you.” To a woman, these words confront
her unbelief and mistrust in her husband. From a counselor's point of view, it
is evidence of not loving her husband. Love believes all things.
True mature leaders know that the authority to rule comes after full
responsibility has been accepted. True authority is given by those who are under
the rule. Demanding authority over another or exercising that authority to prove
its existence is a leader on the path to failure. A wife's desire for her
husband will naturally result in her giving him authority over her, because she
believes he has taken full responsibility for her.
During the courtship phase of a marriage relationship, the man pursues
his prospective wife. It's a little like a game. Actually, he chases her until
he gets caught!
What was done in courtship should not end at the wedding. The marriage should
continue with the man initiating and the woman completing. Should correction be
needed or should something need to be started it is the husband's responsibility
and duty to start the actions.
Does this mean that the man is to blame when something goes wrong? Is it the
husband's fault if the marriage fails? No. Taking responsibility is not
concerned with or interested in finding fault and placing blame. Taking
responsibility is focused on improvement and correction – doing it better.
Blame and fault are subjects of immaturity.
The husband lets his wife know that she can make a mistake and not be blamed or
made to be guilty. Her desire is for her husband to have rule over her and to bring about solutions.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 4.
The Husband is commanded by God to
love his wife.
Husbands,
love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave
himself for it
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the
washing of water
by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church,
not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy
[ ἅγιος
hagios
hag'-ee-os From
ἅγος
hagos
(an awful thing) compare
G53,
[H2282];
sacred (physically pure, morally blameless or religious,
ceremonially consecrated): - (most) holy (one, thing), saint.
]
and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that
loveth his wife
loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but
nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even
as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be
joined unto
his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
This is a great mystery:
but I speak concerning Christ and the church.-- Ephesians 5: 25-32
Love in a marriage seems as natural as breathing for the wife. But for the
husband, love in the marriage is a determined act of his will. Yes, love is an
emotion; yet, for many men in the earlier years of the relationship, it is the
“love of the chase.” This is why some men never grow up and keep chasing
other women after being married. God's command for a man to love his wife is
more than an emotion, a feeling, or a game. It is a determined act whereby he
must direct his energies for the specific purpose to provide for, to protect,
and to be passionate toward his wife.
Some men provide well and are willing to lay down their lives to protect. This
is sacrificial love. However, they regard conjugal sex as one of the benefits
for having done the first two. Little do they know that God commands them also
to be a passionate, intimate husband. It is part of God's plan for the husband
to “love” his wife. There is not a wife who doesn't want her husband to
desire her for being a woman. This is where the game is carried on into the
marriage. She wants to be pursued and desired before she catches him. The
husband must learn to keep chasing his wife, even though he is caught.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a wife in a marriage is
love. The
husband is commanded to meet this need. By loving his wife, he provides her a
home, the resources to live, and a safe and secure place for her and the
children. By loving her emotionally, he assures and comforts her, shielding her
from fear and harm. By loving her physically, he proves that his attentions and
focus are on her and she is secure in his desires.
The commandment to love his wife means that the husband is to commit his
energy, resources, creativity, and attention, and to focus on his wife.
It is more than just provision and protection. Loving a wife means preferring
her above ALL others.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 5.
The Wife is commanded by God to
respect her husband.
Wives, submit
[ ὑποτάσσω
hupotassō
hoop-ot-as'-so From
G5259
and G5021;
to subordinate; reflexively to obey: - be under obedience
(obedient), put under, subdue unto, (be, make) subject (to, unto), be (put) in
subjection (to, under), submit self unto.]
yourselves unto your
own husbands, as unto the Lord. For
the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:
and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.-- Ephesians 5: 22-24
Too often, Biblical teachers have equated “be subject” with “obey.” As a
consequence, opposition has grown in the American culture to the extent that
many women refuse to say “love, honor, and obey” in the traditional wedding
vows. It is really a huge mistake. The word “obey” is not the proper
emphasis for “being subject to” or “submission” as translated in the
commandment.
Let me offer an entirely new perspective. Instead of the word “obey”
amplifying the phrase “be subject to” or the word “submit,” let's use
the word “respect.” Now let's restate the commandment. Wives, respect
your husband, just as you respect the Lord. That changes something
dramatically. Instead of the ultimatum to obey (like a lowly slave), respect
opens the door to balance and understanding. Respect is something given in
measure to being respectable. Respect is in parallel with love and honor.
Obedience does not require love or honor; however, respect does require them.
The number one complaint of distraught wives is that they don't respect their
husbands. It is very difficult for them to do so when the husband continues to
do things not worthy of respect. A husband who does not provide, protect, or show passionate love for
his wife is on thin ice for respectability. But oft times, the man does provide
and protect, he is faithful and desires his wife. However, his wife treats him
in a very disrespectful manner simply because he is a man. Wives who do this
should think back to how their mother treated their father. You will discover
that many times this is a pattern and it is learned behavior.
This is why God commands wives to respect their husbands. Wives must make a
determined decision to accomplish this. It takes energy and a clear will to do
so. Instead of holding your husband to an artificial standard of respect (he
does everything I want him to do), a wife should come to know her husband for
the true goodness that is in him.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a man in a marriage is respect.
The wife is commanded to meet this need. The commandment to respect your husband
means praising your husband, both to him and to others, and submitting to his
leadership, guidance, and judgment. Even if he makes a mistake and is wrong. He
will learn.
This is how men learn every day at their jobs. A wife who believes she
needs to teach her husband by correcting him only succeeds in embarrassing him.
When a wife disrespects her husband with critical words, treats him with
disdain, and holds him in contempt, she destroys her primary source of provision
and protection from God. She also breaks Gods commandment to respect him. When a
wife learns how to respect (be subject to, submit, and obey) her husband, he'll
treat her like a thoroughbred, instead of a nag.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 6.
The Husband and Wife are joint heirs to life.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a
woman, and brought her unto the man. --
Genesis 2: 22
To have children, it requires a man and woman joining together to procreate. A
man can not do it alone nor can a woman do it alone. They jointly form the
product of each new child. Woman was not made from the dust of the earth like
man; therefore, she should not be treated as dirt. Woman did not fly down from
heaven; therefore, she should not be over anyone's head. She was taken from her
husband's side; therefore, her rightful place is at his side.
The woman's need for security can only be met fully by her husband. The
husband's need for respect can only be met fully by his wife. When both needs
are being met, the marriage is like the wedding ring. It is made of precious
metal and valuable gems; it goes round and round, with no beginning and no end.
Life is good and wonderful. When one of the needs (either security or respect)
is not being met, the ring is broken. There is now a clear beginning and end to
the ring. The ring has become a piece of twisted metal. The passion of love
becomes the passion of anger and hate. It leads to treachery. The remaining
metal of the ring becomes a bad memory and is pawned for a fraction of its cost.
However, the treachery and hate can last long after the divorce. When both needs
are met, the home is a pleasant place for all.
Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of
thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. --
Psalms 128: 3
To be a joint heir means to share in the same heritage and inheritance. Husbands
and wives come from different houses, but when they are joined together, they
are part of the same house with the same Heavenly Father. When the woman was
taken out of the man (the rib), it indicated that they were together when man
was first created. Marriage is reuniting the man and woman together as they were
in the beginning. This is marriage based on spiritual understandings.
There is a fundamental difference between a secular and spiritual marriage. A
secular marriage is a shared proposition. It's a mutually agreeable contract.
Sometimes, these marriages stay together simply because they don't have any
other choice. The spiritual point
of view for marriage is one that embraces the author of marriage. It is one
where both the husband and the wife are under the authority of God. But the
bottom line is this: a spiritual marriage is where the husband and wife know
they were destined for each other. They also share in the same problems and joys
of life. They make their “choice” for each other believing it is God's will.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 7
A Wife is God’s grace to the Husband.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and
obtaineth favour of the LORD.
-- Proverbs 18: 22
The favor mentioned here is unmerited favor or grace from God. That means that
men don't deserve all the good they receive from their wives. This is simply a
truth that wise men come to learn. Even more so, when a wife truly understands
that she was presented by the Lord for her husband, she develops wisdom.
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers and
a prudent wife is from the LORD.
-- Proverbs 19: 14
The most important and vital things of life come from the Lord. When a man
finally becomes smart enough to actually stop and smell the roses, he will do so
after getting a dozen of them for his wife. The more times he stops to smell the
roses, the smarter he will get.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 8.
The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me,
she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. --
Genesis 3: 12
Adam was more persuaded to seek the pleasure of his wife than to seek the
pleasure of God. A Godly man must learn quickly how powerful his wife is over
him with her charms and tears. A Godly wife must learn quickly not to misuse and
harm her husband in trying to get what she wants.
Allow me to share a word picture that illustrates this point. A husband is like
the captain of a sailing ship. He directs his resources and uses skill to raise
and lower his sails, he sets a course for distant ports, and he determines what
cargo he will carry or trade.
But his wife is the wind in his sails. Carry this picture out a little further.
His wife can be unsupportive and very still. No matter how many sails he
unfurls, nor how great his mast might be, no wind means he just sits and floats.
If his wife is stormy and objectionable, the ship is in a storm with sails torn
and masts broken. Many ships are lost at sea because of the hurricane that rose
up. But a steady ship in a steady breeze can sail on a great adventure.
Simply said, a husband is the captain of his ship, but his wife is the wind in
his sails. It doesn't take much of a breeze for the ship to move. I can assure
you that if a wife just blows in her husband's ear, his sails will catch that
breeze.
Some wives think that the best way to “help” the captain is by grabbing the
ships wheel and setting the course they want. This is really mutiny and results
in the ship going in circles. My counsel is in line with my word picture. If the
wife really wants to have the ship sail a particular way, then give him a
favorable breeze in that direction. He'll sail that way and will look for
breezes that ultimately lead him to his destination, too. The greatest joy that
a captain can feel is to be one with the wind; in this instance his wife.
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
--
Proverbs 12:4
The greatest harm that can be done to any man is done by his wife. Men can
insult men over and over; it just makes them mad and they get “tougher.”
When a wife shames her husband, she skewers his heart and vital organs. The
barbeque is not pretty.
Most wives are not trying to shame or embarrass their husbands. They are
trying to motivate and stimulate their husbands, who seem unresponsive to them.
The mistake of embarrassment is really unintentional; it just happens. It
happens because wives have twisted a major Biblical instruction. Wives (mothers)
are to teach their children and serve their husbands. Too often,
wives serve their children and attempt to teach their husbands.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 9.
Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not
ashamed. -- Genesis 2: 25
Before we address this Biblical truth about marriage, some spouses avoid this
topic altogether and do not discuss intimacy and passion with anyone (including
their spouses). With all due respect to everyone's privacy, please skip to the
next section if this topic offends you.
Please continue reading to understand
what the Bible has to say about passion, which is different from lust.
“Until the day comes that you are totally ravished with your wife,
you have not fallen in love with her. Until the day comes that you can not even
imagine how another woman could satisfy you like your wife does, you have not
yet obeyed the commandment to love your wife like the Lord loves us all.”
18: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with
the wife of thy youth.
19: Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
-- Proverbs 5: 18-19
There is a world of difference between lust and passion. Lust is sin and a loss
of self-control; passion is a fire that forms the very metal of marriage.
Men are highly visual and imaginative creatures when it
comes to sex. They perceive a direct link in their sexual energy with the very
energy of life.
Wives like to have sex in marriage also, but not like a man. Wives view
marital sex differently. What wives really want in marital sex is romance and
passion.
Notice that the Bible has its own dramatic way of illustrating
marital romance and passion. First the man leads and the wife responds.
6: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!
7: This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of
grapes.
8: I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs
thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9: And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down
sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.
10: I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.
--
Song of Solomon 7: 6-10
A Biblical marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship. The
satisfaction, fulfillment, joy and pleasure are part of God's plan for the
marriage. You don't have to be an expert at the very beginning of the marriage.
Many believe that the very learning experience of sexual intimacy is part of the
lifetime of joy in marriage. Marital sexuality is a
life-changing-experience and part of the changing-of-life-experience.
In today’s crumbling marriages, many
husbands begin looking elsewhere due to a lack of frequent sex, while wives are looking for new excitement.
She wants what she can not have.
And the woman saw that the tree was good
for food, that it was pleasant
to the eyes, and a tree desirable
to make one wise, and she took of its fruit and
ate.-- GENESIS 3:6
And Aḏam was not deceived, but the woman,
having been deceived, fell into transgression.
-- 1 TIMOTHY 2:14
The factor fueling this trend is that many if not
most couples in this situation had intimate relationships prior to marriage with
other partners during the unscriptural dating process, causing improper
comparisons which detract from a husband and wife becoming one, and in
particular this involves the wife. A part of ones self is given away in these
situations which brings an incompleteness to the marriage.
Women
"fall in love" or chemically bond via Oxytocin with men that sexually arouse
them by two factors: 1. scent and 2. sexual arousal. Oxytocin is so powerful
that after about twenty seconds of perceiving with their nose a man with the
"right scent" the woman will begin to Oxytocin bond by developing feelings of
trust.
The man may be completely untrustworthy and having only the worst
intentions towards the woman but she will be "blindly in love" because of
Oxytocin bonding. That is why some women have a difficult time leaving men who
abuse them as they are literally addicted. Oxytocin bonding is twice as
addictive as heroin! Detoxing from love --not being able to smell the loved one
is very painful for women as their brain chemistry and health becomes dependent
on his smell. There are exceptions.
This is why fathers need to understand
this factor and thus protect their daughters.
Since young men comparatively
have much less estrogen than young women they do not oxytocin bond to the same
degree. That is why it is easier for men with high testosterone to walk away
from intense sexual encounters with women whereas the women are stuck "in love"
- Oxytocin bonded!
When it comes to marriage, women
generally believe that men are the “choosers,” while they are the ones waiting
to be chosen. This makes them more inclined to go after men who are unattainable
or unavailable, so they can remain excited for an indefinite period of time.
Overall, society promotes the notion that women want to get married and men just
want to fool around. Women are encouraged to find men who are sensitive and
faithful and many are succeeding. To get what they
think they want from men, women
assume a lot of work is required. These beliefs have developed into an exciting
and challenging game for women—trying to get men to fall in love with, or marry,
them. Striving for something or looking forward to it causes a stimulant effect
in the brain. The problem is, once a woman realizes that she has found and
attained what she was looking for she may become bored. Females want the
excitement to last, and for them it does last—until after they have a
commitment. However, once they accomplish their goal, the feeling of excitement
goes away, which is very disappointing because the excitement was what they
wanted and they thought it would last.
Pheylethylamine
(a natural amphetamine released when lust or passion take over our moods and
during physical intimacy) found in the brain, is responsible for raising blood
pressure, increasing heart rate, producing a pleasant feeling and a sense of
well being. According to science one can expect the infatuation stage to last
anywhere from between three and six months. Like any drug, the high doesn't last
forever. This also explains shorter-term adulterous relationships - the three
month awakening in which one comes to their senses and realises that they are
not only no longer infatuated, and don't actually want to be either.
Eventually, women begin to associate sex with work.
That’s how the brain operates. When you bought your first house, for example,
you probably went out and purchased a new lawn mower. You probably couldn’t wait
to mow the lawn. But let’s face it, after awhile you began to associate the lawn
mower with work. It’s the same thing with women and sex. Over time, many females
lose their desire to have sex with their husbands and start having those “I’m not happy feelings”. They are looking for the feeling of excitement
again. That is when they usually change partners. They wander off to seek that
same chemical rush with someone else. |
You can not separate sex from love in a marriage. The argument by an
adulterous spouse that it was just sex (lust), but “I really love you” is a
totally flawed argument. It simply is not true. Sex and love in marriage are
inseparable.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 10.
Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and
the church.
-- Ephesians 5: 32
There have been a world full of poets and philosophers explaining love and
marriage to us. But this mystery described in the Bible far surpasses them all.
If you will ask any married person why they put up with their spouses’
mistakes and quirks, they will give the same answer regardless of gender.
“Because, I love him (her).” It is because love covers a multitude of sins.
This is the same simple answer for why God continues to deal with us. He loves
us, and His love covers the multitude of our sins.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Abraham and Sarah Teach Us about Marriage
There is one incident in the marriage of Abraham and Sarah (then called Abram
and Sarai) that the Bible mysteriously inserts. It concerns a trip to Egypt and
an encounter with Pharaoh.
11: And it came to pass, when he was come near to
enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now,
I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
12: Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me,
but they will save thee alive.
13: Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister:
that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall
live because of thee.
14: And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
15: The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh:
and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
16: And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants,
and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
17: And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
18: And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me?
why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
19: Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife:
now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
20: And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.
-- Genesis 12
So, what is this story doing in the Bible? What is the purpose of this story?
Never, under any circumstances
[even if you think you are in mortal danger],
never treat your wife like she is your sister!
She Is NOT Your Sister. SHE IS YOUR WIFE !
Do not do anything
with your wife like she is your sister (even spiritually). Treat your sister
nice; but, treat your wife like she is your wife!
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Isaac and Rebekah Teach Us about Marriage
To demonstrate how powerful our fathers and mothers are in teaching us behaviors
as husbands and wives, Isaac made this exact mistake with Rebekah when they
visited king Abimelek.
7: And the men of the place asked him of his wife;
and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said
he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to
look upon.
8: And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king
of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was
sporting with Rebekah his wife.
9: And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife:
and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said,
Lest I die for her.
-- Genesis 26
You don't have to worry about Pharaoh or Abimelek giving you trouble. It is your
wife who will have a problem with you.
Before we leave this Scripture let's make sure that we have a clear
understanding about something. Isaac was more than “caressing” his wife. You
can caress your sister, but “caressing” here is considerably more. The King
James Version Bible uses the word “sporting.” Isaac wasn't playing tennis
either. The actual Hebrew word means a combination of things: laughter, playing,
entertaining with desire.
Actually, Isaac and Rebekah teach us something very powerful about marriage in
how they first met and married. If you will recall, Eliezer, the servant of
Abraham was dispatched to get Isaac a wife from the region where Abraham himself
came. Eliezer found Rebekah with her brother Laban on that trip and brought
Rebekah back. Then the Scripture says one of the most profound things that can
be found on the subject of marriage.
Just as Eliezer and Rebekah returned, Rebekah put on a veil to meet Isaac (she
was not wearing a veil earlier). The Scripture continues.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent,
and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was
comforted after his mother's death. -- Genesis 24: 67
Wait a minute. Look at the sequence again. He took her, he married her,
he loved her, and he was comforted by her. That's backwards! Don't we first meet
someone, feel comfortable with them, even friendly? Then we fall in love, get
married, and the last thing we do is take her.
But the Scripture says Isaac did the opposite. What is this all about? And why
did the Scripture state that Rebekah put on a veil just before this? What does
the veil have to do with marriage?
The Scripture has actually shown us how men approach marriage and how women
approach marriage, and how they are different.
Ladies, this is a truth. Let my words serve as confirmation. Men approach
marriage from the idea of sex and physical attraction first. Men go through the
courtship, the ceremony, and the tuxedo, so they can have sex with the woman.
About six months after they get married, they wake up one morning, see their
wife laying there and it hits them. “What have I done!?! I'm married!!??!”
That's when they actually get married. Then... they make up their minds to truly
love their wives some time after that. It could be several years before they
really “get it” on that concept. Then, they understand that their wife is
better than their mother.
Wives on the other hand see marriage the other way. First, they are comforted,
they fall in love, they put on a veil for marriage, get married, and then have
sex last. Modesty and discretion are the hallmarks of her relationship. The veil
is the symbol of her modesty at the wedding.
As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair
woman which is without discretion.
-- Proverbs 11: 22
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain:
but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
-- Proverbs 31: 30
Let me illustrate how succinctly this process works in the mind of a man and
differently in a woman. The subject is “fantasy.” When a man fantasizes
about a woman, it is about sex and how he takes her. When a woman fantasizes
about a man, it is about how safe she feels with him, how he holds her and makes
her feel comfortable. It's about being friends and maybe him telling her how he
loves her by presenting her with some flowers. Men and women think differently
on this subject.
This brings me to one of the most important things about marriage that
men and women need to know and understand. Gentlemen! Women do the opposite of
what you think should be done many times. A man will count to 10 beginning with
1 and sequentially progress to 10. A woman will get to 10 but will do it a
different way, sometimes different every time. For example, a woman will count
to ten as follows: 3, 7, 5, 1, 2, 8, 9, 6, 4, and 10. Men get very confused with
this process. It, however, makes perfect sense to a woman (and other women will
agree with her).
I want to offer some real caution here to all husbands. Don't make a big
deal out of the different way women count to 10. Remember we men are the
ones who put sex in front of everything, right? And, we want it that way, right?
We would be wise to just leave things the way they are. Actually, it really does
work out for the best. Remember, how Isaac met Rebekah? He took her, he married
her, he loved her, and he was comforted? Let the husband pursue the process from
the take side and let the wife pursue it from the comfort side. As
a result, they will both end up with the two middle ingredients together –
love and marriage.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Jacob and his Wives Teach Us about Marriage
The closest example you are going to find in the Bible of a man with multiple
wives is Jacob and his wives Leah and Rachel. One thing can be concluded from
the entire experience: if you want conflict in your life, then have multiple
spouses. If you want any chance of peace in your house, then stick with
one spouse.
But there is something else that Jacob had in his marriage that comes out in
Scripture in a unique way. Have you ever considered how Jacob fulfilled his
duties as husband of multiple wives? In particular, did they live in one big
happy tent, or was there a designated place where intimacy was done? This
question is worthy of an answer because it has one of the most important points
concerning a happy home and marriage.
The fact is that each wife had her own tent. Jacob would go into which ever tent
he chose or was told to go to, but something else would go with him. Jacob had a
couch. Actually, it was really his bed. It was where he performed his husbandly
duties with his wife.
One of the most important lessons for a happy home that a husband can learn is
that the house (the tent) belongs to the wife. Let her decorate it how she
wants. Let her decide where the furniture goes. It is her nest. Let her get as
comfortable as she wants there. It is part of her security. Don't mess with the
interior of the house; it's hers. But there is one thing in the house that is
yours. It is your bed. (It's Jacob's couch.)
Ladies, this is a profound Biblical truth. When you get into your husband's bed,
you are in your marriage bed. He is not sleeping with his sister. You are his
wife. Therefore, you should not be surprised that your husband's desire is for
you. He, as your husband, is obeying the Lord directing all of his desire to
you. Do not disrespect him nor discourage him in obeying the Lord.
The Bible is very clear using the word translated as “couch.” The Hebrew word
for couch when broken down to its individual letters means: where the eye and
hand are joined together in desire. This was the reason that Jacob was so angry
with his son, Reuben, when he went in and lay with Leah's handmaid, Zilpah, the mother of Gad and Asher. Jacob expressed his anger at Reuben's
blessing.
3: Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the
beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of
power:
4: Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to
thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch.
-- Genesis 49
The couch (the marriage bed) of the husband is to be shared by the wife, and
this is what is expressed again in the Song of Solomon.
Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant:
also our bed is green.
-- Canticles 1: 16
If a husband can learn to provide a home for his wife in which she feels
secure and the wife can enter her husband's bed respecting him, then they will
enjoy the full benefits of a loving marriage. They will produce children that
are a joy and have a happy home.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Our Heavenly Father Teaches Us about Marriage
The Bible has much to say about marriage and our parents are responsible for
most of our teaching to be good husbands and wives. However, there is one last
lesson about marriage that is taught by our Heavenly Father. It is the most
profound of them all.
The best thing we can do to improve our marriages or to better prepare for
marriage is to develop the ability to understand our spouse. We need to dwell
with understanding.
Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call
understanding thy kinswoman
-- Proverbs 7: 4
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom:
and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.
-- Proverbs 9: 10
Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established
-- Proverbs 24:3
Being wise and knowledgeable are good things but developing the ability to
understand, especially to understand your spouse, is consistent with being
intimate, knowing God, and having a well established house called a home.
adapted
from: YAVOH Magazine |
